3 life lessons that I take away from 2016

This is it, 2016 is coming to an end. Another year in the books. Admittedly, it wasn't the best – partly because of all the shit that happened in the world (Trump, terrorism in Germany, Syria, brexit, etc.), and partly because of a long list of personal disappointments.

While 2014 was the year of “enlightenment", and 2015 was the year “unlocking myself" – both years of immense personal growth – 2016 will go down in the books as one in which I felt life was decelerating. A year of seeing the limitations to my #cantstopwontstop-lifestyle, that I can’t always get what I want (no matter how much I try and push for it), and of admitting to myself that at times I have been pursuing the wrong things in life. If this year had a theme, I would call it the year sobering up.

There were many highlights that I look back up: I visited China for the first time and was so impressed that I decided to learn Mandarin, I took 10 friends from school to Iran, I became part of an artist collective of photographers with which we have had two successful showings, visited 16 countries (5 of which I had never been to), bought a car, cut down alcohol and meat to a fraction of what I used to consume, and emceed a 1,500 person charity gala which was a very rewarding experience.

But along all those highs, there was a number of lows: my apartment building in San Francisco caught fire while I didn’t have any renter’s insurance, my car got broken into and I got valuable worth $2k stolen out of it (again without insurance), twice I was offered a publishing deal by Apple for my pictures to appear on the global #ShotoniPhone6s billboards, and both times I was removed from the final creative, I got my heart broken, I was rejected from a number of programs and courses at Stanford that I really wanted to take, and I had to cancel one of my summer internships 6 days prior because I was being offered an insultingly low salary of $10/h on a 25-hour work week. 

Despite its many “FML”-moments, 2016 was full of lessons learned, three of which I would like to share in the following.

Learning not to give a fuck

My story: For too long in my life, I cared about what others think of me. I cared about their opinions and judgement – to the extent to which I would sometimes change my behavior to please and to be liked. Not always, and not always consciously, but it happened. Probably more often than I am comfortable to admit to myself.

One turning point I had this year was a brand survey that I had participated in. A recurring piece of feedback I got was that people who do not know me, can perceive me as disingenuous. At the same time, those people also said that this perception gets disproven once people do actually get to know me.

Somewhat unsettled by that feedback, I went to get advise from one of my professors. And the key question he asked me was: why do you care about the opinion of people who don’t know you? And as simple of a question this was, it was one that kept me thinking for days – until I reached the point at which I concluded to not give a fuck. To become more confident in who I am and what I want, and to care less about what others will think of it.

The lesson: Not giving a fuck doesn’t mean that I don’t care about anything anymore, it means that I don’t care about the unimportant things in life. And that I am reserving my fucks for the things and people that truly matter and that make me happy. Extended, it means that I don’t care about the adversity in the face of my goals, and that I don’t care about pissing some people off along the journey as long as I feel what I am doing is right or important.  Ever since I reached that conclusion, I feel liberated. I have stopped trying to be friends with the wrong people, I have become more confident in who I am as a person, and I am more determined to pursue the things I actually want to pursue.

Ain't got no more time for excuses

My story: For very long in my life, I found excuses. I found excuses for everything. For why I shouldn’t do something. For why it’s not the right time. For why I am not the right person. For why I am not ready. Or why it’s too hard. As opposed to just going out there and fucking making it happen. Especially int the areas of dating and entrepreneurship, I would excel at finding 571 reasons why something would not work as opposed to just making it work.

The key point for me this year was turning 30. Even though I approached the new decade with vigor and positivity, it did have an eye-opening effect on me. I suddenly realized that time is running out – that I didn’t do many of the things that I wanted to do because of lazy excuses. Sure, I got so many more years ahead of me, but the 20s that I so loved, are gone. And the same thing is going to happen with this decade or any future decade of my life. So what’s the point of finding excuses if time is running out?

The lesson: A big lesson for me this year was to acknowledge that excuses are just coping mechanisms to protect myself from things that I actually feared, like failure or rejection. That excuses are just creating the illusion of protection like a pain killer, but that they are not actually solving the underlying fears That excuses are just limiting me from reaching my full potential, and that they limit my learning. And that confronting those failures and rejections head on is exactly the type of learning that I need for that underlying fear to be defeated.

The why behind the what

My story: This year I took a lot of courses at the GSB that had a strong introspective character. One of the things I sort of knew but never really practiced or investigated was understanding the why behind my whats.

I think it all started with my application essay for Stanford in which I had to talk about what matters most to me and the why behind it. For the first time I really dug deep and unearthed the reasons and motivations behind some of the decisions I had taken in life.

And especially this year I have learned to do this more often and to "feel my pulse." I don't want to do something? I ask myself why, why, why until I find the real reason for what bothers me. I enjoy someone's company? I ask myself why, why, why until I fully understand why that is.

The lesson: In today's world we are so stimulated – from the moment we wake up to the moment we fall asleep. And in between it all, there is very little time for introspection or the opportunity to pause and understand our motivations. I feel we are acting on impulses without fully understanding what drives us to act a certain way. Asking "why" multiple times really helps uncovering the real drivers. And asking why of others also really helps understanding them better. Someone might say they love skiing, but ask them why multiple times and you might learn it's less the activity they enjoy but more the opportunity to be in touch with nature.

2016, thanks! 2017, bring it on.

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Rethinking dating: when good is good enough

The last time I wrote about love and relationships is about two years ago. Only twice* I had the courage to do so on my blog. Which is funny because I tend to think about it almost, well, daily? But then again I’d like to believe that I am not the only single out there for whom these topics take up quotidian mindshare. 

I was binge-reading Aziz Ansari's book “Modern Romance” on my flight from San Francisco to Lagos, and it helped me structure and crystalize some of my own thoughts that I had not been able to articulate previously. 

What struck me is how marriage and partnership have evolved over the past 100 years. Looking back, three characteristics stood out to me: i) you would get married very young (often as a mean to leave your parents' home and start your own life), you would get married to someone in your vicinity (because that was your dating horizon), and the process was often more pragmatic/rational than emotional (very much what arranged marriages try to achieve). 

Compare that with an exemplary case from today’s world of dating: you are in San Francisco, waiting for your Uber to get to the airport for a work trip to London. And en route to the airport, you casually swipe 20+ mobile dating profiles because you got the pro version of whatever app you are using – just to make sure you got some game once you hit town? This is insane. 

Sounds exaggerated to you? Nope, I even toned it down a little. It wasn’t 20+, but more like 100+ profiles that I went through.

Joking aside (i.e. I am not the protagonist of this sample case), these stories are real. You can read this superb Vanity Fair piece on today’s dating culture if you don’t believe it. I still fall into the Millennial bracket (call me “Senior Millennial”), but that piece made my jaw drop a few times. And while I am comparing today’s dating with yesterday’s marriage, the point is still the same: times have changed BIGLY (I just had to…). 

As a result of new priorities that many of us have in our 20s – college, finding a job, moving cities, traveling the world, finding oneself – we have a new type of an "early adulthood” period. A time dedicated to exploring romantic options, developing one’s sexuality, and eventually finding our soul mate. A period that previous generations didn’t really have when they got married to their next-block neighbor at 22. Back then, you weren’t looking for your soul mate, “good enough” was all you got. 

Never have we had as many romantic options as we have today. Great, right? Well, not really. Amidst today’s search for Mrs. Perfect and Mr. Charming, we are inundated with the options at hand. More choices and happiness are not correlated. It makes decision-making, and thus life, more difficult (think of indecision and paralysis). We want to find the best, but in order to find the best – by definition – we would need to go through all our options. Good luck (you should consider insuring your fingers because that swiping is gonna hurrrrt). 

Like we go on dates, but then the smallest annoyance is enough to dismiss the other person. Since you know so little about the person, you end up overweighing the few things you do know or see. Oh, you have never traveled to Europe? Yikes, sorry, not cultural enough for me, arrivederci! Knowing the next option is just around the corner (aka a swipe away), we suddenly find these instant disqualifiers – small annoyances that we blow out of proportion because we are looking for the best option, remember?

Honestly, I don’t think we give each other a sufficient-enough chance. Sure, if your date turns out to be terrible, book your loss and move on. But before you dismiss someone for their haircut, their interests or lack of cultural exposure, give them a proper chance. Too often we fall for the mindset of “I think I can find someone who is better.” If you were to get to know each other more, you would be more forgiving to these small things and start appreciating elements of their character that don’t always shine through on the first date.

Yet even when we find liking in someone, make it past the dating stage, officially come together in form of a relationship, we often end up riddled with doubt. Congrats, you found someone great, but how can you be sure that that person is the greatest? 

What we often suffer from is a bias called aggregation bias. Let’s say there are three things that equally matter to us in our partner (just as an example): looks, wealth and smarts. And let’s say our partner is a solid 8/10 on all of the dimensions (which is a pretty amazing deal if you ask me). Now let’s assume there are three other people we come across next to our partner.

• Person A is a 10/10 on looks, but a 6/10 on wealth and smarts.  
• Person B is a 10/10 on wealth, but a 6/10 on looks and smarts. 
• Person C is a 10/10 on smarts, but a 6/10 on looks and wealth.

What do we see? If we took the average of each of these individuals, we would be at 7.33/10 compared to the 8/10 average of our partner. But that’s not what we are seeing. The aggregation bias kicks in and we suddenly think that our "outside option” is a person that is 10/10 on all three dimensions. And now we are comparing our existing 8/10 with a hypothetical, nonexistent 10/10 that we have aggregated in our mind (i.e., the nonexistent combination of these three people). 

But maybe we are just doing it all wrong. What if “looking for the best” is just the wrong approach given how the rules of the game have changed and the new reality that we have at hands? What if there was different way to approach this search?

Well, this takes us back to where I began this article, namely 100 years ago. Back then, it wasn’t about making the right decision (i.e., searching for the best option), it was about making the decision right (making the best out of the option that you ended up with). What if the key was to move away from being maximizers to becoming satisficers (a combination of satisfy and suffice – like once it’s sufficient, you are satisfied and you don’t aim for maximization).

If “finding the best option” is just an endless chase with no end in sight (see the aggregation bias as a fitting example), shouldn’t we go back and try to be sufficiently satisfied by looking for the “good enough?” This might sound like “ending up less happy” to your ears, but science shows that satisficers are happier in the long term. 

So far in my life, I have been a maximizer. In almost everything that I do. From dating to my job search. In fact, this idea of being a maximizer versus a satisficer can be applied to all different parts of our lives: where to travel next and what gasoline to choose for our car. 

But as I think of my life's journey this past decade, and as I think of the next decade ahead of me, I have started to wonder whether this is always the best approach. Just because I have grown to be a maximizer organically (i.e., mostly as a result of my surroundings), it doesn't mean this is the best way of doing it. And I don't also think it's an either/or type of approach to life. In some areas of life it's ok to be a maximizer, and in other parts it's better to be a satisficer. And sometimes it's a mix of them.  

I am not trying to make a case for being a satisficer in our search for ever-lasting happiness in our relationships. I mean, none of what I said is meant to substitute or compromise the affection, attraction, romance or the security that a healthy relationship with someone would provide, but maybe – just maybe – we need to rethink our approach to finding the person that will give us all of that. 

*The Generation That Wants it All and  On the Meaning of Love and Partnership. 

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Starting a new decade

I am writing this while sitting on a flight from San Francisco to Frankfurt. I entered this plane as a 29-year old, and I am leaving it as a 30-year old once we land. Considering what an incredibly important role traveling has played throughout my 20s, I can’t help but smile about how humorous this circumstance is. 

I really don’t want to be one of those obnoxious guys who writes a piece titled “20 things I learned in my 20s,” just in the hopes of making it to Medium-fame for a few days before I fade into oblivion, but I would like to share some of my thoughts, perspectives and feelings about the past decade and the one ahead (hint: none of them are suicidal).

Looking back on my 20s

In the very first post that I posted on this blog, I talked about the 20s as possibly the most important decade in a person’s life. I believe this today more than when I wrote it back at the age of 26.   

It’s the time when a girl becomes a women and a boy becomes a man. We move out of parents’ homes, we discover our preferences, our sexuality, our joys in life. We learn what and who makes us happy, and what/who doesn’t. We understand who we are and who we are not. We take risks, we get disappointed, we learn and move on. The 20s really form a strong foundation for everything that follows.

And to be honest with you, there is a part of me that feels bitterness. Not the “I just bit into a lemon"-bitterness, but more the “dang, the show is over already? How did that happen so quickly? I wish I had made better use of my time”-type of bitterness. A more nostalgic one.

Believe me, I actually think sometimes I should have made better use of my time. 

I look back on my time in Dublin when I was 22 and wish I didn’t hate that place that much. I look back on my 25 and wish I had been a little less depressed after my way-too-emotional break-up. I look back on my 27 while I was still lurking at Google and I wish I had left a little earlier to pursue other opportunities. 

Truth to the matter however is that all that time is over. I can’t change any of that. The stories are written and the chapter is closed. But what is in my power is how I am going to recount the stories that are written in the chapter. 

You know, it’s easy to be hard on yourself. It’s easy to look back and beat yourself up. But instead, I want to focus on the positive. Yes, being 22 and living in Dublin sucked, but gosh I met so many incredible people that really changed my life for the better. Yes, I felt a lot of pain at 25, but if I wasn’t that broken, I could have never rebuilt myself into the person I am today. And yes, I sometimes think my last year at Google was one that I could have spent differently, but I was able to get a work-sponsored Green Card that year which is now giving me so much more flexibility to do that I want post-MBA. 

I want to move away from bitterness about all the things I didn’t do, but give myself credit for the things that I did do. It just makes for a better story. 

Looking forward on my 30s

I think it’s super easy to write off the 20s as the prime time of our lives and then say that everything after that is just meh. Like as if the 30s were just the boring long tail of your super exciting 20s. For far too long, that’s actually how I thought of the 20s (oh yeah!!!) versus 30s (oh no!!!). More recently, I have started to change my thinking around this.

You know, at this point in life I look back on those ages 22, 25, and 27, and I really wish I could relive those years. Maybe it’s because it’s something that I simply can’t have back or because being confronted with its transitoriness makes me feel old – whatever it is, there is a feeling of “I wish someone could give me my time back." 

In an effort to get myself excited for the next decade ahead – about the 32, 35 and 37s that I will hopefully get to experience – I visualize myself on exactly this day, 10 years from now (possibly sitting on an airplane again, but this time on my very own private jet, eating caviar). And given how predictable we humans tend to be, I will most likely be looking back on 32/35/37 the same way how I look back today on the 22/25/27, thinking “I wish someone could give me my time back.” 

Having realized this, I feel super motivated to make the most and best out of the next decade ahead. If I know that I will retrospectively wish I had those years back, why not appreciate them more from the beginning? And sure, the 30s will have a have a different taste, but there is no reason why they can’t taste better, right?

Dealing with Failure and Rejection

A friend asked me recently what the number one thing is that I want to change from the last decade to the next. Without hesitation, I responded “my discomfort with failure professionally and rejection personally.”

I know that this discomfort with both failure and rejection have deeper roots in the past, but looking back on these past 10 years, I can see how this discomfort has expressed itself in a low appetite for risk. And I am not taking about the “hey, let’s go explore North Korea”–type of risk that I have sufficiently taken throughout my 20s. I am talking about the “I can do anything I want and nothing or no one can can stop me”–type of risk.

Professionally, I often wondered if I should have started my own venture during my 20s. If I was a little too comfortable on the career path that I was on. Going forward, I really hope to be more comfortable with risk – even if that means that I won’t go back into a perk-filled corporate job but embark on an entrepreneurial journey of uncertainty and unpredictability. I am pushing myself each day to build that comfort. It's a journey, but I know where I want to be. 

Personally, I look back on my 20s and can’t help but realize that I am leaving them just as single as I entered them (maybe even a little more single if you subtract all the heartbreak and drama). I think there were a number missed opportunities where I didn’t always act on the feelings I had. I shied away and chose the path of least resistance. And that is something I hope to change. Take more ownership, step up, put myself out there – undeterred yet determined.

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Perspective matters

Henry Ford once said: “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” And right he was. A subtle shift of thinking has the power to fundamentally change the trajectory of your personal and professional lives.

What most people don’t know is that our brains are evolutionarily wired to think negatively. Seeing the good in something takes additional effort, motivation, and brain power, yet it can make all the difference and help us stand out from the crowd.

Think about it! We humans, it seems, have anywhere from 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. But according to some research, 80 percent of our thoughts are negative. I once sat in a lecture by Fred Luskin on stress management in which he shared a telling example that demonstrated how our brains are wired.

Imagine standing in a room with 10 other people, 9 of whom are holding things you desire in life: health, wealth, friendships, etc. Now imagine the 10th person is pointing a gun at you. Who do you look at? One might say “of course, the guy is holding a gun”, but that’s exactly the point. As humans, we are unconsciously programmed for survival. That’s why our brain is wired to identify threats, danger and negative things in our environment and that’s why thinking positively requires an extra effort.

Now this begs the question if this extra effort is worth it. Is it worth to pug the energy and practice into teaching yourself to think more positively? I would like to strongly argue for yes.

A small part of science has dedicated itself to understanding the benefits of thinking positively — on both your physical and mental health. Turns out it can increase your life span, reduce your aging, and provide greater resistance to illnesses. More years to live just by focusing on the good in life? Who wouldn’t want that! Thinking more positively in life not only helps put more years into your life, but also more life into your years.

But what does it actually mean? What does it mean to think positively? Is it an approach for the helplessly hopeful? No, it’s a self-empowering way of looking at the world. The constant in the equation of life is that it will come and knock you down. The variable of that equation is how long it will take you to get back up on your feet.

I used to get super caught up in my feelings whenever I didn’t get something that I really wanted. For example, I got rejected from business school the first year I applied. It was a gut-wrenching experience, but I made a deliberate decision to not let it drag me down for too long. I sat down and wrote down all the potential good things that could come out of it. I wrote a list of all the things I could now do that I would have otherwise not been able to do. I decided to focus on the potential good that came out of that setback. And with that, I got back on my feet much faster and moved on from it.

There are many different techniques, mental models and frameworks that can help you move on from setbacks. Writing a list of all the potential good things that could be coming out of a disappointment is just one. For the past three years, I have dedicated this blog to writing about the ways how I try to see the world and different mental models and frameworks that I fall back on to not let negativity take over my life.

Yet what works for me, might not work for you. But I still encourage you to give this some serious thought and think of ways how you can shorten the time it takes you to get back up on your feet whenever life knocks you down.

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Why I do what I do – My love for Iran

I want to start a new series on my blog called “why I do what I do” – hoping to provide more color on some of the decisions that I am making in life. I plan to dwell on what drives me and what I hope to achieve.

Given that I am sitting on a flight to Iran while I am writing this, I want to dedicate this piece to my love and passion for this country. And I would like to explain why I am so engaged in promoting Iran through exhibitions, photo books, online projects and group travels. 

Ever since I moved away from Germany, I came to the realization that I consider myself much more Iranian than German. Which is surprising if you consider that I was neither born in Iran, nor did I ever live there. Both my parents were in their early 20s when they moved from Iran to Germany, yet they made a great effort to ensure that I would know and understand my Iranian heritage. From speaking the language at home, to the food, to regular visits to our families in Tehran and Mashad. Admittedly though, part of my identification with Iran is a result of my alienation with Germany, but that’s a whole different story. 

Over the years however, I traveled to Iran less and less. From once a year until I was 16, to once every two years during college, and eventually once every three years when I started working. I wasn’t any less interested in Iran, but life had taken over. 

Everything changed in late summer of 2014, when made the bold decision to travel through Iran with three of my college friends from Germany. They had been nagging me for years and I felt the time had come for me to experience Iran differently. You know, up until that point, each visit to Iran was with family to visit family. And as great of an experience that was, it was the only way I had gotten to know Iran. I literally did not have a single like-minded friend – until that one trip. 

That trip changed everything because for the following 12 days, I experienced Iran from a different angle. Through Instagram I connected with same-aged folks who had a shared interest in expressing themselves through photography. I won’t forget our first day in Tehran when 20+ young Iranians showed up in a park to welcome my friends and I. 

When I came back from that trip, I wanted to share all the beautiful images and stories that we had experienced. I felt so honored and privileged to have experienced Iran so intensely and beautifully, and I consequently felt compelled to share that experience with as many people as possible. 

Why did Iran always have to be so mis-portrayed in media? Why don’t people realize that there is a big difference between the politics of the country and its people who are probably the most hospitable people on earth (don’t wanna take my word? Go and read some reviews). So I decided to host a 1-month long exhibition and published a photography book to reach even more people and to change the way how they think about Iran. 

15 months later in September of 2016, after I had settled into my new business school life, I went back to Iran and simultaneously participated in my second round of exhibitions, this time as part of an artist collective that recently had it’s second showing with many more on the horizon (it was so simultaneous, I actually had to dial in from Iran via Skype for the opening). 

Now, only 6 weeks later in November of 2016, I am sitting on a plane with 10 classmates whom I am taking on a 9-day trip across the country.

Just before our departure, one of the participants asked me what my motivation is. I paused for a second to gather my thoughts and then went on to explain to him that there are very few people in my life that have actually seen the Iranian part of my identity. Most people – especially those in the Western world in which I was born, raised, and where I currently live – have never really gotten to interact with the Iranian part of who I am. This trip will hopefully bridge this gap and allow 10 of my friends to get to know my other (better?) half.  

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"My relationship with 'Murica" AKA "Trying to find the silver lining"

A poster I had created and hung next to my desk at Google Dublin in 2009

The election was a few weeks ago , yet I still struggle to find the right words to describe what happened and what this all means for us going forward (the first news coming out of the transition certainly don't bode well). For me personally, the outcome of the election has in many ways shaken my beliefs, my sense of security, and the perspectives that have carried me through this world. 

I came to the US back in 2011 during Obama’s first presidency. 4 years prior to that, I remember sitting in my student apartment in Germany, writing emails to all my friends and family in the US, urging them to vote for “Yes, we can.” The reason why I cared so much about the 2008 election was not only because I was fully bought into the “Change we can believe in”-mantra, but also because I had become increasingly disillusioned during the 8 years under George W. Bush. 

What Americans often don’t get is that the US election matter A LOT outside of the US. We follow US elections as if they were our own. We refer to the American president as the “Leader of the free world.” And we know what whoever reigns, also reigns over us. Their decisions will impact us. 

8 years with George W. Bush had left scars on me. I could’t really make sense of the illegitimate invasion of Iraq and the many atrocities coming out of both Afghanistan and Iraq. When watching TV in my presence, my mom would zap channels every time the news was on, not wanting to expose me to even more bad news knowing it would hurt me emotionally. Yet at nights I was glued to my screen, reading the news and becoming increasingly upset with US politics. To me, Bush and his administration are war criminals and his reelection in 2004 remains something I will never really understand. 

So when Obama came around, I became hopeful. His 2008 campaign instilled so much hope in me, and the morning after the election, knowing the US had elected its first black president, I truly felt I had woken up in a better world.

In the months and years that followed, my excitement for Obama grew stronger and stronger. When I had my farewell party in 2009 before I moved to Ireland, more than half of my farewell gifts were Obama-related. I had books, t-shirts, posters, even a little statue. And when I moved into my apartment in Dublin, I plastered the walls of my room with 50+ different art posters that had come out of the election. I was SUCH a fanboy. 

So when I got the chance to come to the US in 2011, I was incredibly forward-looking and enthusiastic. I thought I was coming to a country that was a change agent, with a president that was an inspiration to the world. The fact that Obama recorded annual Noruz greetings for the Farsi speaking world made me develop a man-crush on him. While my support for Obama faded slightly over the years (after all, Syria happened under his watch), I still think of him as one of the reasons why I wanted to come to the US and I strongly believe we made incredible societal progress under his presidency. 

So the recent election outcome feels like a massive blow to all that progress. It pains me that there was such a whitelash against him and that we are left with a president and an administration that looks far too similar to the way how Hitler and the Nazis came to power. Honestly, the similarities are shocking, and if you think it’s an exaggeration, please go and do your homework. 

Now I am not going to post another 5 paragraphs to talk about how scared and worried I am about what is going to happen in the next four years – my concerns and fears have already been widely shared by my friends from all over the world. Instead, I would like to explore what silver lining – if any – there is to the situation we have ended up in. It is really not easy to flip on the optimism switch and walk around with a hopeful smile, knowing that the most powerful government in the world is now being staffed with climate change deniers, xenophobes and racists. That said, there is one thing I learned and one thing I hope to see happen. 

What I learned: it started with a meme on Instagram, but there was some truth to it that is hard to deny. If Trump can become president, what in the world is there that I could not be? Seriously, if there is one thing I walk away with from this election, it’s that literally anything is possible and that I can be whatever I aspire to be. I wish it didn’t take a Trump to make that case in point, but if there is anything admirable about this past election, it’s that. 

What I hope to see happen: I wondered what story we will be telling each other 50 years from now, looking back on 2016. Will be refer to this election as the beginning of the end? Or will we look back and tell the story of how much of a blow this election was, yet how much of a wake-up call it was at the same time. One that brought us altogether, one that deprived us from all the excuses we made to not take action. I wish we all look back on this election and say it rallied us, it united us, it made is 10x stronger and more determined. That we all stopped talking the talk, and that we started to walk the talk. Look, I have been saying for years that climate change is happening and that we need to do something about it. But have I ever done anything about it? I haven’t. But now, I truly have no more excuses left. Intention is meaningless, we all need to take action about the causes that matter to us. 

I came to this country so enthusiastic and positive. America welcomed me with open arms and gave me a new home. But I am not gonna lie – the hope and enthusiasm that brought me here have turned into fear and worries. In many ways, I don’t recognize anymore the US that I came for in the first place. From the massive wave of police violence this summer to the very nasty and painful election. I have always considered the US my home, but I am not so sure anymore. And who knows, maybe my disappointment will carry another silver lining with it as I now seriously ponder the question of whether my days here are counted.  

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(More) Reflections on Business School

About a year has now passed since I wrote my first reflection piece on business school right at the end of my first quarter (December 2015). I did occasionally share some thoughts here (about the concept of morphing) and there (about social life at school), but I wanted to make this the second reflection piece now that I have three additional quarters under my belt. 

Let me address the elephant in the room: is the MBA worth the investment? Well... I don’t really know – in fact I will never know – but I like to believe so. Maybe I will sell my future company for a ton of money and then directly link my financial success to the investment I made into my graduate education or a specific person I would have otherwise never met. But until then, I rely on “good faith” that this will all be worth it – financially and on every other dimension (how do you even measure the value of connections, friendship and a reputable school degree anyway?)

No Omid, but now for real: do you think it’s worth it? Let me rephrase the question. Is this MBA degree the only viable path? Maybe the best path? Absolutely not. There are many paths that would have helped and will help me to achieve the things in life that I "want to achieve” (I am intentionally avoiding the word “success” because what does it even mean?). Sometimes I even think that I might be even further in my life if I wasn’t tied to this 2-year journey. But once again, you can’t A/B-test your life. 

Now, as the critical thinker that I’d like to be: what if I am actually worse off with an MBA?Well, this ties directly into one of my biggest frustrations with business school. I feel that I got into the program for everything that made me unique, yet I will be leaving it being treated as a commodity. When I will graduate next summer, all that unique experience that got me into school will be dwarfed by the MBA title that is written right onto my forehead and which very much defines how the job market will look at me (keyword: pattern recognition). Before I know it, I could be someone’s "MBA candidate #4 out of our 13 MBA hires next summer.” Sometimes I wonder if I could land better jobs in a parallel world in which I would be Omid with 8yrs of work experience versus the 6yrs+MBA person that I will be. 

A little too critical for your taste? Well, let’s talk about specific things that I am learning. One of my learning goals was to increase my risk appetite and my willingness to embrace entrepreneurship. I tried to make progress on that front during my first year, but I feel the current fall quarter has been the tipping point on this journey. In particular, there are two classes that have changed my self-perception as a future entrepreneur. One is called Startup Garage (SUG), the other is Formation of New Ventures (FoNV).

Thinking of entrepreneurship, I always considered luck to be the prevalent factor for success. What SUG has allowed me to understand though is that there is a proven process that can lead you from problem to solution. While entrepreneurship always seemed opaque to me, it now feels within reach. And in FoNW, we discuss 18 cases of founder stories which makes me leave class excited and with the urge and inspiration to start my own business. I am walking away from these classes with an increased sense of comfort with chaos. 

Another upside: I am learning so much about myself. Not gonna lie, when I came to school, I wasn’t sure if and how much I would learn about myself. I felt that I had life figured out and considered myself among the more mature people in my year. But looking back on this journey thus far, I can definitely say how the first year in particular has helped me gain a whole deeper understanding of who I am, of what drives me, and how I best operate. During the past year, I was finally able to find the right words and descriptions for things about my personality/character/style that I could never describe properly and also managed to open my eyes to some of the blindspots that I had never been aware of.

I have come to believe that business school is less about finding out who you are, but more about finding out all the things that you are not. Yes there is tremendous value in figuring out who you are. But the journey to that point involves assuming different things, testing them, failing at them, and then concluding that you are not the things you thought you were. For example, while I still don’t know what I will be doing after graduation, I certainly know that I won’t be the guy who does interviews on campus and then joins an established company where he will be working as a person who could be easily replaced. As straightforward and obvious as it seems, I was actually that kind of person throughout my many years at Google. I was good at my job, but my job wasn’t unique to me. While I don’t know who I will end up being, I certainly know that I won’t be that kind of person. 

These thoughts are really just scratching the surface of all the things that I am still learning. My experience as a second-year student has been significantly better and I am really loving my time at Stanford. Yes, there are many paths forward, but I am glad for all the things that this particular path has offered me so far. After all, I can’t A/B test any alternative reality, so I might as well just appreciate it to the max.  

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Managing Expectations in Life

During my second year of business school, the thoughts on my mind have become much more philosophical. And the horizon over which I ponder has become much longer. In many ways I think that this is one of the main benefits of going to school, namely that it creates the right intellectual and spiritual environment to think about these things in a more serious way. 

One of the main thoughts on my mind lately has been about our expectations to events in the future – the good and the bad – and how there is a gap between how we think we will feel about something versus how we will actually feel.

Maybe you have noticed that too: sometimes we expect something really good to happen and once it happens, the joy is not as high and long-lasting as we expected it to be. Think of promotions, a job change, getting into a dream school, finally getting something we’ve been wanting for a long time, etc. 

And the same is the case on the negative side of things – the sorrow is not as deep and long-lasting as we expected it to be. Think of an expected “loss" that we expect to hit us like a really good friend who is moving away, missing out on something that we desired, a financial hit, etc. Not saying we are not going to be happy or sad, but more often than not we end up not as happy or not as sad as we expected to be.

But why is that? And more importantly, does it matter? Discussions in class and with friends have led me to think of three reasons which I found very plausible. 

1) You brace for impact: one theory I have is that when you expect something to happen, when you already dedicate mental resources to think of a certain situation in life, you are basically bracing for that impact and the hit (either positive or negative) won’t come in as high/low as you expected it to. Your anticipation of it reduces the strength of the emotions that come with it. 

2) We mis-project: we are just not good at predicting our future emotions, because far too often the predictions are based on how we feel today. If you are unhappy now, you will think a promotion is what you need that will make you really happy, but once it comes, it barely moves the needle. 

3) You forget about other feelings: another theory I have come across is that when we think of a future event, we tend to only consider the feelings that are related to that event, and not all the other feelings that will continue to be part of our lives. Example: when I think of something bad to happen in future, like a friend moving away, I am certainly thinking of all the negative emotions that come with it. But once that event hits, all the other positive things in my life (family, friends, my job, an upcoming trip, etc.) continue to exist. We just forgot to include those in our “calculation" about how we’re going to feel about that event. 

All these theories aside, why does this matter? It matters because too often we live our lives in the future and not in the now. And understanding that the good will not be as good and the bad will not be as bad as we expect them to be, really raises the question why we are not more focused on the here and now.  

If the good is not going to be as good as I expect to be, we probably shouldn’t be so hopeful about how future events are suddenly going to fix our lives today. And if the bad is not going to be as bad as we expect it to be, we shouldn’t be walking around and let those expectations ruin our today. 

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Making the decision right

There have been various tidbits that I picked up on during my first year in business school which affected my thinking. One of them which I’d like to share with you came from a professor at Stanford who accompanied us on a study trip to China. 

He was sharing with us the story of how he married his wife. He grew up in India and his family was very open minded with regards to dating. He was allowed to date and the family didn’t put pressure on him to have an arranged married. Yet while his brothers found their wives through regular dating, he decided to have an such an arranged marriage. And years later, he considers himself happily married and in love with his wife. 

His key philosophy behind his successful marriage? It’s not about making the right decision, it’s about making the decision right. Make sure to read this line again. And again. 

What he is saying is that when you are faced with different options and you have to make a decision, it’s less a matter of what you decide (making the right decision), but more a matter how you act/show up/behave after the decision was made (making the decision right). A question of how much you want it to work out and the effort you put to make it work out. In his case, it was less a matter of how gets married, but more a matter of what he makes with that marriage. 

I find this perspective carries a lot of truth and importance. Especially in the context of all the decisions we need to take in life. Best example out of my own life: my upcoming decision what to do professionally after graduation next summer. For better or for worse, I will have a lot of options to choose from. Chances are I will work out multiple offers and end up having to make a decision among them. 

And as I know myself, that’s something that will paralyze me. I will struggle to make the “perfect" decision. I will probably take to tens of people and write uncountable lists of pros and cons. And while all that due diligence is not to be dismissed, there is much more importance to be put on what I do after I choose one of the options available to me. 

Think about it: it will all come down to what I do with it. I can choose the “best” option, yet ruin it by showing up with a negative attitude, not taking it seriously, or consider it a waste of my time. Alternatively, I could be choosing the “worst" option, and show up each dinner with a winner attitude, put all my effort into my job, and see it as my golden ticket. It’s more a question of what attitude I show up with and how I truly make it a golden opportunity, than a matter of “choosing the right opportunity.”

Keep that in mind the next time you are deciding between various options and you put too much pressure on yourself about making the right decision. 

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Social life at Stanford AKA my struggles as a social butterfly

One of my biggest personal struggles on campus so far has been navigating the social environment. Interestingly enough, that was the part I was least worried about before school began. But now, one year in, I can attest that “social” is the part of the experience that I have struggled with the most. 

Now some of my classmates who know me well will read this and probably think I’m nuts to say that. After all, they saw me co-organizing a 260-person class trip before school even began and generally see me all over the place being friends with all sorts of people and attending all types of events. Yet that’s just the on-the-surface impression. 

Underneath, I struggled socially. Something I didn’t really notice during the first quarter from September to December. As one social interaction was instantly followed by another (literally from morning until the evening, day after day), my brain had absolutely no time or space to rest and digest how my social life was panning out. It wasn’t until the winter break when I had three weeks and finally got a chance to think a little about my patterns of (social) behavior.

I soon realized that I was spread very thin. I was trying to be everywhere and to get to know everyone – multiple coffee chats each day, ideally with people I had not properly connected with. So I started wondering what triggered that behavior.

Sure, I’m an extrovert and I love meeting new people, but I sensed there was a little more to that. After some more soul-searching, I realized that my behavior was driven not only by a natural desire to meet every single person in my year (much of the MBA value lies in the network after all), but also by a certain need to have a harmonious relationship with the people around me. In other words: I wanted to make sure I left a good impression on everyone. And yes, I also wanted to be liked. It wasn’t my core motivation, but it did play into it.

So as I was going through the second quarter, I increasingly saw groups forming. And while I felt I had a really good 1:1 relationship with almost all the individuals in those groups, I actually didn’t feel I had any “membership” in those groups. Sure, I could have invited myself along to whatever they were doing and in generally I was happily welcomed, but rarely was I on top of mind when those groups were planning something.

While this seems like a negligible disruption to my otherwise busy social life, it turned out to be a much heavier weight on my mind than I expected it to be. That said, this development was totally reasonable. While I was out there socializing with everyone, I didn’t put my social time and effort into nurturing group relationships. So when a group planned an event/trip/activity, I wasn’t necessarily on top of mind. I was a just lose member. 

Yet despite the weight I felt, I did ask myself a fundamental question: “would I be ok with giving up on all the 1:1 connections I was making and instead put my time and energy into nurturing my belongingness to a group?” Well, the answer was a firm “no.” Asking myself that question was important to realize that at my very core, I’m a social butterfly. And even if that behavior comes at the cost of not nurturing group relationships, it is the behavior that I would be least willing to give up on. 

It took me some time, but I learned to appreciate more everything that I am as opposed to being frustrated for everything that I am not. And while my motivation is changing (I’m working hard on dropping the entire “wanting to be liked” part), I acknowledge that being (a) social (butterfly) is simple part of my identity that I can’t change that easily.  

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