Don't Compare Yourself with Others based on Age

"Age" as a topic has always been on my mind. Throughout my life, I have often been confronted with this topic as well as the reactions, conclusions and expectations it has triggered in other people as well as myself. 

For example, I have seen the reactions that people show when they ask for my age and then realize that I'm much younger than they would have guessed. This is partly because of my beard and partly because of the way I interact with them. In fact, I have gotten to a point where I let people guess my age because I find joy in surprising them whenever they overestimate it by 1, 2 or 3 years. Ever since, I have been fascinated by this topic and the way how age – a simple number – influences the way how we think about people and how we suddenly make certain assumptions or form expectations. 

Over time, I have come to realize that age is really just a number – a number that unfortunately can create more havoc than benefits once it's revealed. I have yet to meet a person who does not automatically and often unintentionally pigeon-hole someone once he/she learns about the other person's age. We often use the age of a person as a metric for comparison. Sadly enough, I often used to do that myself. I would sometimes feel envy when someone was young and successful or try to boost my ego when someone was older and less successful (clearly, "successful" was a subjective metric here). But this practice of comparing yourself to other people is rubbish and a complete waste of your time and energy.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter — not Mark Twain

Life is not a competition that you need to win nor should the path of other people influence the path you decide to go down. Don't do the mistake of looking at other people and telling yourself you are more or less successful than them because they are younger or older. Don't compare yourself with others based on a simple number that couldn't be any more meaningless. If you do want to take a metric of comparison, then take your values and ethics, but don't take age and especially not your own definition of success. 

On the other hand, don't limit someone's potential just by a number. Just because someone is young, it doesn't mean that the person is not smart, mature, or able to punch above his weight class. And just because someone is old, it doesn't mean the person is not capable of understanding or motivated enough. I would even want to encourage you to make it a principle not ask for someone's age. Unfortunately, this number and the automatic comparison it triggers in our head influences the way how we interact and perceive someone. If you can't turn off this mechanism, at least try not to ask for the age. It's an irrelevant number that can trap your thinking.

If you can’t be First, try to be Third

I came across a very interesting story the other day in a TED talk by Arthur Brooks on the topic of Earned Success. There has been a study that analyzed the facial expressions, emotions and reactions of people who came in 1st, 2nd and 3rd during sport competitions. It shouldn’t come as a big surprise, but the Gold medal winners were found to be the happiest. Surprisingly though, the Bronze medal winners were found to be more happy than the Silver medal winners… wait, what? Yes! Turned out that people ending up on the 3rd rank made people happier than being on the 2nd. 

What seems to be an paradoxical phenomenon is actually just the result of how our brains work. The person who came in 2nd will be comparing himself to the person on the 1st rank and feel disappointment for missing out on being first. He will probably have thoughts along the lines of “If only I had trained a bit more” or “I wish I didn’t go that fast into the curve”. He will automatically compare himself to the person above him instead of fully appreciating the fact that he came in 2nd. The 3rd person however knows that he barely made it onto that podium. He will look at all the other athletes who tried to end up in the group of the best three and feel lucky that he can be among them. Instead of comparing himself with the 1st and 2nd above him, he will most likely compare himself with the people beneath him and feel good about his achievement. 

Needless to say that this generalization doesn’t apply to all athletes, competitions or sports, but if you think about it, it’s fairly plausible and, again, proven through a study. As humans, we tend to compare ourselves with people who are better, who have achieved more, who are younger. We tend to look up and feel bad about ourselves as opposed to look down and appreciate what we have. If you have internet to access and read my blog right now, you already belong to those 2B people who do have internet as opposed to the other 5B who don’t. Most likely, you live in an industrialized country, have a well-paid job, health insurance, university education, a roof on top of your head, and access to water — “simple" (in our eyes) conditions that position you among the top 5% in the world. Yet too often we compare ourselves with people who have even more among that group of 5% as opposed to appreciating that we have more than the other 95%. I wish we all were more aware and appreciative of the incredible opportunities we have in our lives and took those opportunities to not move from Top 5% to Top 1%, but helped those other 95% make a respectful and modest living. 

The Power of World Culture Storytelling via Photo Sharing

Captured in Antigua, Guatemala. 

I have always been a "media guy" producing movies as a hobby during my teenage years or taking a friend’s camera to shoot some nice pics at university events. But I never considered myself as someone who was particularly talented… it always felt like a hobby that I was good at and that I enjoyed – not more and not less. 

It was about two years ago when I was introduced to Instagram as a photo sharing platform during a trip to Istanbul. At that point, I had already been a passionate phone camera adicionado, but I lacked the tools to edit and the channel to share my pictures. While I never followed the #selfie-craze, my first pictures using my Google Nexus phone were quite underwhelming to say it frankly. 

Fascinated by the ease of use of the app and inspired by the many talented photographers that I started to follow, I felt incentivized to not only use the platform more but also to improve my skills. I would meticulously examine the pictures that showed up on my feed and try to understand what made those pictures so beautiful and interesting. Sometimes it was the light, other times it was the angle or the motive that was captured. Just by observing other photographer’s work, I was able to absorb techniques and develop ideas.

As time passed, I received an increasing amount of compliments for the snapshots I was taking. After the initial phase of encouragement, I also started to receive more questions about how it would be possible to take those shots just using my phone. Up until this day, my phone (and the software I have downloaded on it) has been the only piece of equipment I have. In fact, I changed to an iPhone last year because of the superior camera quality (I still think that iOS sucks and that it’s a matter of time until Android-powered phones will surpass the iPhone in terms of picture quality). 

While I managed to improve my photography skills over the past years, my followership on Instagram as a platform was quite negligible. It wasn’t until September 2013 when my picture of the Munich underground station was featured in a weekly round-up of the best pictures on the Instagram blog. For an amateur like me this was a pure thrill! A much bigger event then happened in February of 2014 when my account was featured on Instagram’s Suggested User List. Within just a week my followership grew from 1k to over 13k and beyond that ever since. It wasn’t until I received a licensing deal from a publishing company though that gave me the confidence to consider myself a semi-professional photographer (I probably won’t drop the “semi” until I can make a proper living off this). 

While I do care about how many followers I have, I find it far more important to know that people find inspiration in my pictures. Through my frequent travels over the past few years, I was also heavily exposed to different cultures, countries and people. My work trips to Latin America, my family-related trips back to Europe or my fun trips throughout the US – they always offered a great exposure to the "new and unknown”. I have therefore made it my self-imposed obligation to artistically showcase the beauty that I’m exposed to during my travels around the world. With each picture, I try to tell a story. In the words of a dear friend, my calling is to do world culture storytelling through photo sharing.

Bracing For Impact

In life, things don’t always turn out the way you want. You set yourself ambitious goals and really do your best to achieve them, but – let’s be honest and put that motivational talk aside – you won’t succeed every single time. You simply won’t. As a matter of fact, only 25% of investment-backed Start-ups succeed (Source: WSJ) while 90%-95% of Start-ups miss their initial projections (Source: HBS Research & Ideas).... and don't get me started on how many marriages end up divorced. 

Leaving the corporate world for a moment, you can find tons of personal examples that show that life doesn’t always go according to the plan that you have in your head. You applied to Business school? You might have received a straight rejection. You worked really hard on that promotion? You might have not gotten it. You really wanted to go to that wedding? Something more important messed up your plans.

These sort of things happened to me all the time in my life. For far too long, I allowed these situations to be a downer and to either pause my life or to throw it upside down as I wasn’t able to cope with that situation. Nowadays, I have found a recipe to deal with these situations and to turn them into a power boost for my life as opposed to let them drag me down. 

Instead of pondering over why "Y" happened or losing energy over how I could have avoided the occurrence of "Z", I activate my creative juices and try to come up with potential scenarios that would make "Y" or "Z" a much better outcome than I could have possibly asked for. Basically, I try to see the new situation under a different light – a perspective that truly allows me to see the benefits of the situation I am in. In classic "positive psychology”-jargon, you would say that I’m trying to see each challenge as an opportunity. How? I simply ask myself: “Come up with 3-5 situations that would show how this situation could actually be a gift and opportunity". So instead of letting that situation crash into my life, I brace myself for impact and find ways to see that situation as a power boost. 

A rejection from Business School could actually inspire you to pursue your entrepreneurial passion outside of school. The failed promotion might turn out to be a blessing since it gives you more time to figure out what you really want to do once you reached the next hierarchical level. And that wedding? The money from not attending it will come in super handy for one of your main projects outside of work. 

It sounds slightly silly, but even in the face of the worst situations, there are always ways to look at them positively and to let them boost you instead of pull you down. You just need to be very open minded and to creatively ask yourself how that seemingly negative situation could actually be the beginning of something better.

Recognizing The Judge In You

One of the goals I have in my life is to be the master of my thoughts: to be able to foster my positive thoughts and to contain my negative ones. As much as I like reading about how to think and act positively in life, it's also important to deal with negative thoughts to i) understand where they come from ii) see in what forms and shapes they can occur and most importantly, iii) learn how to master them. 

As I was trying to learn more about what constitutes negative thoughts, I came across an interesting chapter in Shirzad Chamine's book "Positive Intelligence" (see here my previous post about Positive Intelligence). Shirzad talks about how we have these Saboteur-profiles in us. He differentiates among 10 different Saboteurs like for example the Judge or the Hyper-achiever (you can see the list of 10 Saboteurs here and take a 5-minute assessment here).

The argument is that we all have at the very least the Saboteur called "The Judge", your mind's enemy number one. While most of us are completely unaware of this Saboteur in us, it is the strongest force in us against our well-being, happiness, and success. The power of the Judge lies in its ability to have us constantly find faults in three specific areas of our lives: 1) ourselves 2) others and 3) our circumstances. It's a mental force that is well hidden and often in disguise of being rational – if not even helpful. Therefore, discovering the Judge and its negative influence on us is tremendously important. In this post, I'd like to raise more awareness of its destructive powers and help you identify it. 

Judging Self

The voice that tells you that you are falling short of whatever ideals you have foreseen for yourself is the Judge talking to you. If you think you that you don't look good, it's the Judge whispering into your ears. If you have a good job but still think you are a failure, then it's the Judge making you down. That last time you felt you couldn't get that girl – guess what – it's the Judge at work. 

All the insecurities you have, the voices that tell you that you won't make it or that you are not good enough for someone or something – it's the destructive power of the Judge taking you down. Sounds familiar? Then you'd be surprised that anyone in this world has these voices. It's not just you who has them, it's literally anyone in this world. You can go into a group of highly successful CEOs and ask them to anonymously submit a secret they haven't shared with anyone yet due to fear of losing respect, authority and credibility. You will hear things like feeling inadequate, unworthy of love, fear of being rather lucky than competent, etc. Fact is that no matter how much money or success you will have in your life, you won't be able to turn off the Judge. Remember that one person who looks like he/she has it all? Yes, that person has the Judge wearing him down, too. The Judge will always be there, but the important question is how you are going to deal with him! 

The most important thing to know about the Judge is that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You need to understand that his power is to push you into action through threats, fear, shame or guilt. The more you let the Judge do its damage, the more his words will become reality. 

Judging Others

Another way the Judge sabotages us is by judging the people around us. The next time you think that your manager is an idiot, your colleague is not skilled enough to do the job or your partner has a fear-based controlling behavior, then it's your Judge at work. 

I like to mention the partner's fear-based controlling behavior, because that behavior in itself is the work of one of the other Saboteurs, called "The Controller". If you think of relationships, they all start super happy and positive. People are in love and in complete "discovery mode". But turns out, the Saboteurs aren't hiding too far from these honeymoon feelings. Over time, certain Saboteur-driven behaviors in your partner will trigger your own Saboteurs. If your Partner is a control-freak, you might respond with your own Saboteur which could be "The Avoider" or "The Victim". It's important to note that one Saboteur can strengthen and enforce the Saboteur in the other person. Yes, relationships (both at work and at home) have ups and downs, but if you find yourself in an energy-consuming drag-out fight with your colleague, friend or partner, chances are that the Judge in you is busy judging the other person and vice versa – especially when you think you are 100% right and the whole situation is to blame on the other person. 

Judging Circumstances

This is the third way the Judge sabotages us. One of it's most widespread lies is the idea that "you will be happy when...". The on average unhappiest age of a male person is 45. Why do you think this is? The answer is fairly simply. In our 20s and 30s we are constantly being pushed to pursue ambitious goals. We compare ourselves with others and are in the constant pursuit of the goals we have set for ourselves. That promotion, that girl, that watch, that number on the bank account, what have you. We devote the energy and flexibility of our most valuable years to drive the highway with full-speed. Once we then reach our mid-forties, some sort of mid-life crisis will set in. We look back on all the goals we have achieved and realize that they didn't bring the happiness we had hoped they would. Yes, we drove through our 20s and 30s with full speed, but we start to wonder if we drove into the right direction. That elusive peace and never-ending happiness never came and we start to wonder what we did wrong all the time. Reality is that the path we went down was guided by the Judge and it's biggest lie: "You will be happy when...".

In fact, there are two lies at once. The first lie is that you can't be happy with your current situation and circumstances. That your current position, your current salary, your current set of achievements is not enough to make you happy. The second lie lies in the fact that it makes your goals a moving target. It places a "when" condition on your eventual happiness. The "when" gets a round of renegotiation every time you reach what you had in mind. I am the best example for this. I always thought that moving to the US would make me eternally happy. When I moved to San Francisco, I was indeed happy in the beginning, but then soon started to set myself more ambitious goals as a stronger sense of unhappiness grew on me. Moving to the US wasn't that final happiness goal anymore as other "I will be happy when..."-lies entered my life. 

Interestingly enough, these goals are set often as a result of comparing ourselves with others. You look at what other people have achieved and you start to have the same expectations for yourself. Just look at all the things in your own life that you thought would make you eternally happy. How often did that happiness last before the Judge in you renegotiated that "when"? Think of what you currently think will make you happy – your current "when". Would you be willing to reconsider this goal and the dependency you have established between your happiness and the achievement of that goal? Fact is that the great peace and happiness you are searching won't come once you achieve that goal, but is available to you in your life right now.

How to Deal With the Judge

I hope you have not fallen into a despaired state of mind after all that Judge-talk.  Quite the opposite, I hope this article has helped you understand the negative streams of thought that accompany you (and anyone else in this world) on a daily basis. It's important to be able to recognize and label them. The next time you hear the Judge talking to you, just identify him accordingly and label him. You will see that this has a profound impact on the credibility it has. Instead of saying "I won't be able to finish this", just say that "my Judge tells me that I won't be able to finish this". Don't say "I know he won't get this right" but say "my Judge thinks he won't get this right". It's hard to deny that by applying this technique, the Judge's voice loses authenticity. Actually, I sometimes even feel challenged when I think about the Judge telling me that I couldn't do sometimes: "you think I can't do this? Now watch this!!!". Observe him and call him out – you'll be surprised by how often he is at work and what impact it has to recognize him as an uninvited intruder. 

How I Got The Name "The Positude"

Today I want to share the story of how I came up with the title of my blog "The Positude" and some stories related to that. It was in February of 2013 on a work trip to Guatemala where I had already decided to start this project but was struggling to find an adequate name for it. I knew it was all about having a positive attitude in life, so I wanted something related to that. A flash of inspiration then made me think of the word combination "Positude" composed of "positive" and "attitude" – the two words that I had previously chosen as the essence of what my blog should be about. I instantly emailed some of my closer friends and asked them to share their impressions. The first reactions were as follows: 

"I'm thinking that could be a site about having a good attitude and making the most out of life" — Anna

"I think of someone standing with a mean look but doing something positive for the world... like bad ass gangsters holding flowers and painting over graffiti" — Thais 

"I think about a positive attitude. Living your life always thinking and acting positive"  — Pry

While these were all very encouraging responses that showed me that I had chosen a good title for my project, my friend Serena responded with the perfect description that described the true essence of the blog: 

"The Positude is a positive attitude as much more than a day to day feeling but more of a lifestyle choice. Waking up and slapping a smile on your face regardless of life's pitfalls. Finding the good everywhere you can" — Serena

Once I had all that confirmation, I went ahead and bought the domain (needless to say that I had checked domain availability earlier). My intention at that point was less to start a blog, but more to write a proper book. Later, throughout 2013, I then soberingly realized that writing a book is actually not that easy and that I would be better off to start with a blog first as it allowed me to have a platform through which I could share my ideas and get some reactions and feedback. At that point, however, it was all about the book so it was important to me to also secure the rights for the title "The Positude". 

Back in San Francisco I started doing research online on how to actually secure the rights. I was propelled by the fact that there were less than 10k search results for that term and hopeful that I would be the first. I soon realized though that the word was already being licensed by some "RC Taylor Group" in Pennsylvania. Since their website was not among the Top 50 search results on Google, I was certainly surprised that they owned the term and tried to dig deeper. I learned that the word had been licensed back in 2008, specifically for media products like CDs.... I definitely felt some disappointment, but I was confident I could make it happen somehow. 

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!" — Audrey Hepburn

After some advanced searching skills (read: searching endlessly for over 20 minutes), I found the name and telephone number of the person who had licensed the term - Stuart Brooks. I was thinking about emailing him, but I concluded that I had nothing to lose by just calling him up out of the blue (I mean – hey – I was a Sales Rep once...). Fortunately, I was able to get in touch with Stuart right away and we ended up having a very long and good conversation (must have been around 40 minutes). I learned that they were a firm specialized on Leadership Development and that they had licensed the word Positude for one of their frameworks that they use in their trainings. While I had little hope to receive permission to use the term, I started sharing with Stuart what I wanted to do and why this project was so important to me. To my surprise, Stuart was very open to the idea and sent me this very kind message after our call. 

"...as I mentioned, I noticed a rare and infectious energy and passion in your voice.  Funny, this has been that kind of day. I’m grateful we talked, and I hope you’ll send me your early thinking about our good-faith agreement regarding your “borrowing” the Positude word" — Stuart Brooks

And this is how we agreed on using the name since the RC Taylor Group is the righteous license owner of the Positude! What I loved about this experience was that Stuart and I were able to build a trustful connection through a simple phone call without even knowing each other. I particularly appreciate the trust and understanding he has shown for my project and intentions. The other day I emailed Stuart and showed him the blog and we both agreed that a post about our story and the clarification of the term's ownership would do the job! Et voilà!

Consulting Your Future Self

Sometimes, when you are faced with difficult decisions – or you go through challenging times – rather asking your mom, your best friend or even God, the best person you could consult is the future version of YOU. 

For some reason, we tend to think of our future self as a much wiser and happier person capable of guiding us through a challenging "now". Don’t believe it? Try it! Picture your future self for a moment. Most people tell me that they see a content, stable, and much wiser version of themselves. If that exercise doesn’t work, just think of how you pictured yourself as an adult when you were still a teenager.

I came across this phenomenon during a challenging period of my life in which I tried to consult my future self. I was continuously troubled by a particular topic and just wondered for a moment what my future self would like to tell me if he could look into the past on this very moment now. For a short moment, I saw a 40-year old version of myself (very handsome, of course) talking to the "me in the now". Surprisingly, he came across very knowledgable in terms of knowing what is best for me. 

My future self told me that I should move on and not let this topic keep me from pursuing my path. He told me that I don't know it yet, but that the experience I was going through was actually the best thing that had happened to me. He said that my current idea of happiness is actually incomplete and that I would still have to go through many more lessons over the years to come to fully understand what really made me happy in life.

My future self was effectively telling me that the number one topic on my mind was a complete waste of time. Up until then I thought I had every right to be worried about what I was worried about — but within an instant — my worry's right to exist had been obliterated. Moving on felt like the simplest and most plausible thing to do. And there I was, feeling stupid and ridiculed on the one hand, yet encouraged and enlightened on the other.

Why encouraging you might ask? Well, visualizing myself as a 40-year old, I saw someone who was happy, present and self-loving (have I mentioned handsome? Just kidding!). Not someone full of worry. So, when does that change occur? Exactly. 

Needless to say, this was very eye-opening. The advise could have come from anyone – in fact, many people had told me that very same thing – but the fact that it was coming from a non-existing version of me from the future, gave the advise so much more credibility. 

I found this a very powerful experience that got me thinking. What was this much wiser voice and where did it come from? Was it the aggregate of advises I had already heard from others? Was it what I was secretly hoping to hear and act on? Or was it an inner voice that knew what was best for me but that I was refusing to accept? 

I came to realize that the voice of your future self is nothing else than the voice of your inner compass. I believe that everyone is equipped with an inner compass whose coordinates are our deeply anchored believes, ideals, principles and values. In moments of trouble, we don’t always see the path we should go, but we can make use of this inner compass to figure out the direction into which we should head. 

As a matter of fact, these deeply held values are in our heart and not our mind — and is it turns out, thinking rationally during challenging moments is very difficult. In order to activate this inner compass and to see what these values in our hearts would like to tell us to do, you simply have to imagine yourself in the future looking back at the choices you are facing now. By thinking of your future self, you are taking distance from the rational mind and you let the inner compass speak for itself. The reason why this is so effective is because all the worries and hesitations of the "now" are situation dependent and will lose meaning in the course of time. In the long-run, our actions and decisions that will will turn out to be the right ones are the ones that we take based on our values. 

Either way, the next time you need to decide whether it’s the right thing to relocate for your job or to buy that car you have desired to own for years, don’t look far for advise, activate your inner compass by looking inside yourself – your future self.

Your IQ, Your EQ and Your PQ (Positive Intelligence)

One of the many things I have planned for 2014 is to read 12 books that are related to the topic of happiness. The reason I want to do that is not only to have more food for thought for The Positude Blog, but also to develop a better understanding of how to write and structure a book. That is eventually the goal of this blog, namely to publish a book. 

The first book I have chosen is called "Positive Intelligence" by Shirzad Chamine. I'm just half-way through, but there are already some very interesting thoughts and concepts that resonate with me and that coincide with my own theories and ideas about what makes us happy in life. 

One thing I mentioned earlier is that your mind is both your best friend and enemy. Remember this example?

"If you are in a room with 10 people and 9 of them hold something good in their hands while 1 person points a gun at you, you would focus on the gun and completely disregard the 9 positive things in the room. One might say "of course, the guy is holding a gun", but that's exactly the point. As humans, we are unconsciously programmed for survival. That's why our brain is wired to identify threats, danger and negative things in our environment and that's why thinking positively requires an extra effort." – Breaking the Habit of Thinking Negatively

If you don't want to think in such extreme examples, just try to think of how your increased happiness fades shortly after you achieved what you thought would bring you lasting happiness. Shawn Achor mentioned in his book "The Happiness Advantage" the example of students who get accepted to Harvard. It's a big achievement that certainly causes euphoria and increased levels of happiness ... but almost all students shortly succumb to the stress and fears of their student lives. Just think of your last time you achieved what you thought would make you happy and think how long it actually lasted? Think of all the "eye-opening" trainings you attended and books you read. Chances are those lessons and insights resonated strongly with you, but that their effects fizzled. 

According to Shirzad Chamine, this is a self-inflicted phenomenon caused by our mind to sabotage you. Your mind is your best friend, but it's also your worst enemy. In his book "Positive Intelligence", Shirzad identifies 10 different types of Saboteurs – internal enemies that express themselves through "automatic and habitual mind patterns, each with its own voice, beliefs and assumptions that work against your best interest." Let me present you 5 of these 10 Saboteurs. 

1. "What is wrong with me? Why do people not like me?" (The Judge)
2. "What an idiot ... if you can't do it right, don't do it at all" (The Stickler)
3. "Maybe he will like me more if I do him that favor?" (The Pleaser)
4. "I'd be such a loser if I don't get the first place"  (The Hyper-Achiever)
5. "Why does that always happen to me? I wish someone would help me" (The Victim)

Some of these voices might be familiar to you. As I wrote in my post Breaking the Habit of Thinking Negatively, 75-80% of your daily thoughts in life are negative. These 10 Saboteurs are the ones to be blamed for that. Knowing that, the question is not if you have any of these Saboteurs, but which of them you have. Surprisingly enough, we develop these Saboteurs as a result of our efforts during childhood to make sense of the world around us. It's our brain's attempt to protect us and to survive (just think of going to school and the emotional stress this can be for a child). Once be become adults, these mind patterns are fully engraved in our brains and often enough we don't even notice that we have them (after all, they have been around with us since the beginning).

The good news is that these Saboteurs can be identified and weakened (something that I will address in detail in another post). More interestingly though, the effect of these Saboteurs can be measured! Shirzad came up with a concept that he calls PQ. The same way how someone has an IQ and EQ (Emotional Intelligence = the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups), people also have a PQ (Positive Intelligence). High PQ would mean that your mind acts as your friend far more than as your enemy. Low PQ would mean the contrary. 

To put your PQ into context, just imagine that your overall potential as a human is determined by a multitude of factors. There are – for example – your skills, network, experience, as well as your IQ and EQ. But at the end of it all, it's your PQ that determines how much of your potential you are actually achieving. By raising your PQ, any challenge or difficulty in life can more easily be turned into a gift and an opportunity for more success, happiness and peace of mind. 

The reason why I like this book thus far is that it's a solid attempt to put more science behind some commonly accepted wisdoms. It's hard to put data into the world of "thinking positively", but Shirzad has an interesting approach to it. Independent of that, I believe that not everyone in this world is gifted with a sense of self-reflection and thus capable of improving their perspective on life (and their happiness as a result). Expressing this inequality through the concept of a PQ is something I find very plausible and worth discussing. 

The Best Days of Your Life

No matter how positive you are as a person, I bet you, too, have days of reflection. Days on which you rather feel like looking back than looking ahead. Days on which you remember your unworried college days during which only trouble in your life was to chose where to study abroad. Days on which you become nostalgic about your previous relationship and wonder if it was the peak or if better days will come along. 

Turns out we all have a past that is a part of us. A part of us that we can't ignore and a part of us that is full with feelings and memories that sometimes crash into our daily life without permission. While some of them are capable of conjuring a smile on your face, they are also capable of causing a state of confusion and sadness. 

Whenever this happens, there is this one sentence I try to remember which always helps me put things into perspective. It's the simple idea that the best days of my life haven't even happened yet". I think of the day I will move into my own house, of the day I will propose, of the day I will turn 30 and throw a really big party, of the day I will attend my brother's wedding – I think of all the small and big things that are yet to come and I humbly realize not only how privileged I am, but also that the best days are yet to come.

Forgive and Liberate Yourself

Throughout my own journey to a happy state of mind, I have had to frequently deal with the topic of forgiveness. It's a word that is generally being thrown around a lot and often positioned as 'forgetting' – "you have to forgive and forget" – but the act of forgiving deserves much more credit for the impact it has on our being and our state of mind. In fact, as much as The Positude is about a shift in perspective, forgiveness can also be described as such a shift in thinking. 

There are periods in life where you will realize that your state of mind is troubled by a certain feeling. A feeling of not being seen, loved or appreciated. Or, on the more negative scale of emotions, a sense of broken trust, betrayal or loss. A simple example would be a friend who treats you badly. A bigger example would be to be imprisoned for years because of your political activities (think of Nelson Mandela). 

Should you be in this state of mind, the resolution is not to ignore these feelings or to tell yourself that what happened was OK. In fact, very often it was not OK and you need to acknowledge that. Accept the wrong that has been done to you, reflect on it and decide on how you want to think about it. Forgetting will just lead to denial or suppression of your feelings, but forgiveness will allow you to remember the wrong without feeling resentment or a desire to pursue revenge. Remember, we don’t have to forget in order to forgive.

Is it that much of a big deal you might ask? Believe me, it is. Carrying this pain will keep you stuck in anger, sadness and frustration for a long period to come. The unforgiving mind is full of fear and suffocates feelings of love. It stops you from spreading your wings in peace and soaring above the turmoil of the world. It is sad, hopeless and weak. It makes you a prisoner of yourself. Forgiveness on the other hand opens the door to your own freedom.

Stanford professor Fred Luskin from the Forgiveness Projects describes forgiveness as "the feeling of peace that emerges as you take your hurt less personally, take responsibility for how you feel and become a hero instead of a victim in the story that you tell". You don't have to become best friends with the person who has hurt you, but make the conscious decision that your interactions with that person are not filled with feelings of fear or blame. 

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.” ― Nelson Mandela

In forgiveness you seek the peace and understanding that come from blaming people less after they offend you and taking those offenses less personally. Anger reproduces anger. Self-absorbed unhappiness over your own troubles will only cause a state of despair. Your mind only has a limited capacity for the feelings you allow to enter, so don't fill it up with anger and bitterness - leave these feelings behind. That space should better be used for feelings of love and gratitude. 

“People have to forgive. We don't have to like them, we don't have to be friends with them, we don't have to send them hearts in text messages, but we have to forgive them, to overlook, to forget. Because if we don't we are tying rocks to our feet, too much for our wings to carry!” ― C. JoyBell C.

I really want to encourage you to not be afraid of being hurt and even more so, be afraid of having to process these negative feelings that might result from your experiences. Don't be afraid to forgive. Embrace this mental challenge and consider it just another beautiful lesson in your continuous learning process to happiness. Let your worst enemy be your greatest teacher. In today's society, the ability to quickly forgive and not let negative feelings dominate and imprison you is worth more than you can possibly imagine. Don't let these experiences define you, but be the one who defines these experiences.